Is the U.S. actually a secret Monarchy?!

Gold teeth, Grey Goose, trippin' in the bathroom

Conspirators!

Now that the Democratic Convention is over and the Biden/Harris ticket is settled, we thought it was the perfect time to explore “The Most Royal Candidate Theory.” The premise suggests that every US Presidential election has been won by the candidate with the closest ties to European royal bloodlines. It’s wild how accurate it is. So fill up your favorite goblet, relax in your throne, and let’s take a Nibble, shall we?

Democracy? Hah good one, peasant!

The Most Royal Candidate Theory claims that European monarchies have secretly been running the US. And by so often putting up candidates on both the Democratic and Republican side of the election, they help guarantee the royal line continues no matter what the electron result.

Harold Brooks-Baker, a self-proclaimed genealogy expert, first proposed the theory. He cited instances where the losing candidate had no royal blood (like Walter Mondale who lost to Ronald Reagan), or more often, where the winning candidate simply had a higher percentage of royal blood than the losing candidate (such as John F. Kennedy vs. Richard Nixon). 

His royal candidate theory has only been wrong once - Bush v Kerry in 2004. And since they are technically cousins, it was likely a coin flip choice.

You know what they call the US President in France? A Royale with Decrees 

Let’s dive into the genealogy a bit. All 45 U.S. Presidents have carried European royal bloodlines into office. Yeah, you read that right! Sure, it’s sometimes distant cousins, but still, kind of nuts! 

Of the 45 to date, 34 Presidents have been genetic descendants from Charlemagne, the eighth century King of the Franks. And 19 are descended from King Edward III of England. (Yes, 34 + 19 is more than 45. Relax, some are related to both.)

Haters corny with that Illuminati mess...

(^source: not even close to verified)

By branching out far enough on the Presidential family tree, there is evidence that all 45 presidents are ALSO related to each other. 

This genealogical connection is often referred to as the 13th Illuminati bloodline, the Merovingian line, and/or the Windsor-Bush bloodline. In fact, it goes beyond Presidents too, as many of the uber wealthy and famous are distantly connected. 

It’s these connections that cause some theorists to claim the Royal Candidate Theory is part of a bigger Illuminati conspiracy, rather than simply European monarchies keeping control over a power in the west. (But the Illuminati deserves a Nibble or two all on its own, so we’ll save that for later.)

Lorde was wrong. We’re all royal if you try hard enough 

As always, it’s important to talk about the rational explanations. First, our guy Brooks-Baker isn’t the most “reliable” source. The Daily Telegraph said in his obituary that, "[H]is great advantage for journalists was that he was always available to make an arresting comment; his disadvantage was that he was often wrong.” I mean, anyone who’s a “self-proclaimed expert” is at least slightly suspect. 

And, there’s mathematics to consider. In 1999, the Yale statistician Joseph Chang showed that if you go back far 32 generations (or ~900 years), you’ll find that everyone alive today shares a common ancestor. In Europe, where lineages have been closely studied, that ancestor was someone who lived just 600 years ago.

So you can start telling people you’re related to Napoleon if you want.

Get diving! 

There aren’t too many books or podcasts on this one which is probably telling. (Maybe Conspiracy Nibbles should make our own?) But here’s a good podcast about the Illuminati. 

So what do you all think? More at work here than mathematics? Is the US a democracy or a monarchy? Leave a comment! And don’t forget to sign up so you don’t next week’s Nibble that explores whether a killer octopus is currently terrorizing Oklahoma’s lakes! 

As always, stay ‘spicious. 

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